Where Have I Been - Searching for Normalcy

Hey everyone.

For those you don't know my reason of being away, I've been in the middle of a personal tragedy. My father fell ill suddenly, and went to heaven, leaving me, my two sisters and mother behind. We took over responsibilities that I couldn't have ever dreamt of and I've seen my father in a state that I wouldn't wish upon anyone in this world. An educated professor, inside a locked hospital room with no windows, not able to take decisions regarding his own life - the sight suffocated me. All this took a toll on me and I literally forgot the things that I used to do before, because these events were all that I could think of. I've been trying to be normal. I took a short course in Graphic Design. I started doing illustrations and I guess my blog was the next in line, to make me normal again. But I just couldn't bring myself to blog. I didn't know what my first come-back blog would be. How can I even describe to you what I've been through. So, instead of thinking thinking thinking, I just started to write. And here it is.

A few days after my father's death, I got an interview call from SanaSafinaz. That was like a God sent signal of hope for me. I fixed up my portfolio and gave the interview, even though at time I had zero confidence in myself. But, I did it. Then I took up some illustration projects. The book I was illustrating then, Stan The Plant Eater by Jr. Bedwell - it's out now and you can check it out here.

There was also a good news - my sister was getting married on the 1^st of December. That kept us all quite busy. I had been designing dresses for her and the rest of us, which has been really great for me because, 

a) it's a good distraction from sadness, and 

b) it was going to help me kick-start my clothing business. 

I gave another interview during the wedding celebrations – At OUP for an illustrator position. No response.

Once the wedding ended, that’s when everything hit us. The house that was always so small for the five of us, became too big for the three of us. It was my 25^th birthday and I found out I had stomach ulcer caused by Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I became too breathless to talk, too shaky to take photos or paint, just too weak to function.

I’ve spent the past 3 months trying to develop a diet and a routine to suit my condition and pushing myself to be normal – whatever normal is. In the midst of this, I gave another job interview; no luck. But, something good did come out of all this; out of having panic attacks in the middle hospital waiting rooms, out of not being able to get up in the morning, out of being rejected from jobs, out of not having anything to look forward to; I’ve started to deliver my feelings onto paper. My paintings seem true. And I am also going to start my clothing store very soon now. Even though every night I sleep with a heart full of doubts and I don’t have much planned out, there’s one thing I’ve decided; I’m just going to go with the flow.

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