Has it already been a year?

Among all issues, I was actually getting anxious over Ramadan starting. The night while I sent out 'Ramadan Mubarak' texts to my friend and family, I thought, how will I survive it? How will I fast? Am I prepared? Ramadan came back too soon. Has it been a year already? All these thoughts keep spinning in my mind. I keep thinking about how this is my first Ramadan without my father and how my last Ramadan was spent in the hospital when he was ill.

Knowing my father wasn't able to eat or drink directly from his mouth, me and my younger sister prepared sehri and iftar for each other at home, while my mother and elder sister stayed at the hospital. Every time I would break my fast, I felt disgusted with myself. I felt guilty for eating. I spent my afternoons at AKUH's waiting areas because only 1 attendant per patient was allowed inside the air-conditioned waiting rooms. I wasn't allowed to stay over the night because I would cry like a maniac and wake everybody up. When my father was shifted to the ward, that's when we had iftar together. In the tiny space beside the bed, we would sprawl out a bed sheet and arrange fruits and sandwiches. And hide away from the security guards who'd tell us again and again that visiting hours were over.

It was all too much to handle at the moment. Ramadan and Eid was supposed to bring families together and mine was being separated and broken. I think I just turned off my emotions. And now things are coming back to me. I'm struggling, both emotionally and physically but I will keep fasting and fight this anxiety and depressive phase in my life, in the hopes that something good will come out of this. Something's bound to.

Love,

twitter | facebook| bloglovin' | instagram